there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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