Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
