Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
