I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
