My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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