Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
