I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
