My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
