I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
