the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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