Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
