I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
