Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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