she was so not down for the gang bang
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
