It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
