my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
