wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
