I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
