well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
