Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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