There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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