Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Green mimosas i think yes
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
