and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
