you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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