dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
