Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
