Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I don't deserve a penis
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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