Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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