after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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