shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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