I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
