The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
