My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
