OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
