Heybabeimwearingurpanties
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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