Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
