Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
