You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
