if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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