There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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