Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
