We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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