hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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