but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
