Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
