hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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