What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
