38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
