either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
