I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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