i wish there were pregnant emoticons
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
