I accidentally had phone sex last night
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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