Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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